I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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