dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
