Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
