eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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