She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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