bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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