The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
