Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
