I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
