she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
