im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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