I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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