cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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