So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
