Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(305): View more from Florida

I just saw a hot homeless man

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(360): View more from Washington

Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal

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(586): View more from Michigan

Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.

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