I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
