Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
