Soap is not a condiment
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize