I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sober January is a disaster.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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