I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think i got beer on your cat.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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