I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
