Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
