peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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