New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize