New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
