i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
