Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
