you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The Olympian is in my bed
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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