what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
