I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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