Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
