he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
