I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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