I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
