he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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