i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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