Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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