I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
