I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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