you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
