Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
