Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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