Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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