Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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