I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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