I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
