I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
