You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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