I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
