seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
