i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize