My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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