if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
