I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
