ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm like, not good at living.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
