I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
