I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
