Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize