Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
