Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
