My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
